Why do I travel ?

I travel to feel things I never have before.

I have never understood hope as I did watching the sun set in Varkala. Satisfaction under the perfect sky in Dharamshala. Abandon in goa. Singularity (& ok with it. not happy. not sad. just by myself.) in Kihim. Being wonder-struck in Kerala. Comfort in Naukuchia. Discomfort in Darjeeling. Empowered in Bombay.

But I have also best understood happiness at home & love in the arms of a boy.

You said it. I got it. (explanation to self)

So my friend who loves putting up new status messages on fbook writes some pretty smart stuff now and then. Recently she wrote:

"There are two kinda of friends in this world. The one's that will help you when you have a problem with somebody else and the other who will stick it out even if the problem is to do with them."

I did not realize how this idea got stuck in some dark corner of my head and then like a ghost for the,last few days evaluation sheets of friends keep jumping out of forgotten spaces. The second kind are rare. Cherish and love them. There is a greater chance you will have them by your death bed. (Actually that's easy.Any friend pumped on nostalgia and sympathy could to do that.) You will still have them after you've had a horrible day, where you messed up badly or simply had a break down. Technically, since you're fighting-they shouldn't care. But they will. Respect them for their faith and patience to work things out.

WARNING: NEVER PUSH THEM INTO CATEGORY 1 BY BEING A SUPER BITCH.

Little kids and KKHH...(people who don't know what that stands for needn't bother reading)

So kids(read first year l.l.b.) were discussing the great/eternal love story of Kuch Kuch Hota Hai,and how it is such a relevant plot because every person can put themselves in the shoes of some character or the other and definitely find people in their own circle of friends forming the exact same constellation. Now KKHH was a very important movie for those who were born in the eighties. But by now we have mostly lived through the age of the story. So this is how it really turns out, for real...

Rahul indeed is cool enough to have a chick best friend, Anjali. Yet, Rahul is afterall a boy and can't help but "jhukao"his "sar" to peep into Tina's pushed-up cleavage and publically declares that he would rather watch her "fake-guitar" "koi mil gaya" than go for the Metallica concert with the guys(he will so regret this later!! because Tina has "sanskar" and she won't be giving him any for a loooong time.)

Anjali can't believe Rahul actually wants to be with another person. If that person is a girl(Tina) who wears not-waterproof make up, so will Anjali. If Tina will jump up and down on the stage so will A (Jumping in red dungarees can't even help a Lara Dutta. Trust me.)Anyway, attention seeked- not found= time to wrap up and withdraw. Only that people don't actually leave mid sem, they become awkward and withdrawn and wait for the exams to come along because it signals the end and a perfect excuse for not meeting/ taking calls. Rahul can't think beyond "f*** man A's wierd!"("kuch kuch hota hai Rahul, tum nahi samjhoge.") Tina knows, but like she cares!

Now hold your breaths, because I am breaking this nice and easy........TINA DOESN'T DIE!!!!(You so wish that stuck up bitch did...par aphsos, yeh medical science aur bhagwan ka karishma hai ....)Tina does go away from the scene, but only when Rahul and Tina break up after 6 years of togetherness and many songs (on the i pod)...

In the emptiness of his life then, Rahul needs a bud. And after downing many he drunk dials Anjali (no irritating daughter needed.) She can't comprehend a word of his slurry speech, but thinks at the back of her head.."that voice was sooo like a drunk Rahul"...then puts that thought away and goes on to chose vacation destinations with Aman(the real stud).

Sober Rahul actually wants to meet A. He not-so-accidently bumps into her at a bar. Senti reunion happens. Maybe even a random make out. R starts calling/ msging. A starts questioning his intentions and her own. But this time she can't help but see his "looserlyness". How did he become so lame she wonders...she guesses being with Tina-the bimbo did that (after all who chooses Indian Riverdale over Oxford!)

Then the weekend with the funny, sweet, greatest kisser(and maybe other things ;) in the world, Aman happens. Now A knows for sure that her girly crush on Rahul is over. Life moves on. Everyone does well. R finds another Tina. And we find another movie.

My ode to the greatest food on earth!

It often gets hot and sultry

by the time you come around.

You are the only thing to look forward to,

when I am indoors,bound.

Your texture is addictive.

Your "oh! so sweet" smell the hook.

Mangoes!! you make me crazy!!

Don't want to give winter a second look.

Caught in a time warp in Burdwan!

I happen to visit a small town only two hours away from Kolkata called Burdwan, last weekend. I was staying with a friend and her mother in their family home. This town seemed like it was barely out of the 1940’s. There were small stores, workshops repairing cycles, selling items made of clay, cobblers, sweet shops, libraries in small rooms. The merchandise seemed old. Not used, but as if the latest in Burdwan is what was sold in Delhi 50 years ago. The imprints of the past are so prominent and alive. The architecture is unique. Delhi is full of buildings built by the British, yet Bengal displays a very different kind of influence. Perhaps I am too uneducated to know why or how. But it is not the same.

There was a huge gothic dilapidated, deserted structure with obviously what had been a long drive way and gardens, now filed with wild growth. I am told the family moved to England after independence and never came back. Guess not many like to time travel!

You can see how Bengal was the cultivating field of the British clergy and western education. The town is full of old colleges, with huge campuses churning out doctors, nurses, lawyers and engineers even today. The name plates reflect this trend across Burdwan.

A lawyers chamber, used by multiple generations of the Mukherjee family is located right opposite my friends residence. It looks like it’s from the freedom fighter movies. Stone steps and flooring, old law journals in wall to wall racks, huge wooden desk and a cycle parked outside!!

The town was obviously active & alive in pre-independence India. Perhaps something important happened here once, for the Curzon Gate stands at the entrance of the main market, in the same style that the British liked to welcome their dignitaries to the colonies. GRAND-and now out of place among the busy, dirty, crowded marketplace filled with “natives.”

I am compelled to mention the only Krishna temple (female deities rule the bong spiritual spectrum, just like their homes!) in the area. So, we were walking down the narrow winding streets lined with shops and houses and my friend stopped to cross the road to go into what looked like a British godown. I followed clueless. As we entered I noticed the heavy carved wooden doors and the wood panelling on the sides and the ceiling. The 5 metre corridor led to a courtyard surrounded by rooms on left and right, with a very wide (covering almost the entire breadth of the compound) staircase leading up to a mandir (temple) where the deities of Lord Krishna and his beloved/ muse Radha stood happily beside each other. There was calm and peace and an astoundingly different environment from what we had left only 5 metres behind. We only spent 10 minutes there, but they were beautiful!

This little town gets as Bong as it can get! I cannot conclude without appreciating the hospitality of my hosts, the Mitra family, who fed me delicious authentic Bengali meals, always accompanied by deserts and their warmthJ.

To go horrorscoping or not?

To go horrorscoping or not?- That's the question I face every January. I have been (in phases) a horoscope addict. The Sunday Newspaper has been a very important part of my life. It is also true that by Wednesday I can barely remember my lucky colour, temperament advice and indicated misfortunes. Nevertheless I admit to making references in uncertain times.

Does it hurt less if you know you are going to fall?? Not really. Am I less frightened if I know the ghost is coming out of the mirror. Perhaps a little. At the end of the day its all the same. I will get angry even if it is going to result in an "uncomfortable situation at the work place." I know now that a "new and exciting person who will enter your life" can be a little niece and an "inheritance from a dear one" is my mom's old sari (no kohinoors here)!

Let 2011 be different. This year I may try to live without knowing ( by the end of this sentence I am tempted to open the yearly horoscope in another window. But i refrain. For now.)

For everyone else, indulge http://www.horoscopes-love.eu/year-horoscopes.php

who we are...

"It is our choices...that show what we
truly are, far more than our abilities"
- J. K. Rowliing

Many people have expressed this thought in their own way. It is a very empowering way to live indeed. Yet the burden it imposes on a person discourages him from exercising this choice at all. But a passive choice is also a choice in itself( uff!! viscious cycle).

If man is a product of the interaction of his inherent nature with circumstances, then choices are a product of the same interaction. Thus, we are what we chose in our limited situation.

Many theories propounded in different field follows this principle.

They say" you are what you eat", " you become what you think", etc. all the same.

Most of us are better of being told what to do. Life may not be as entertaining without the dynamic play of "blame shifting." I cringe to think I could have been Kareena Kapoor and actually through a series of choices became THIS.

So, inversely we find it liberating to most willingly handover the reins of our lives to another and enjoy the ride. There is too much pressure of being a good manager at all times. And when we fail, we hire another to do the same for us. For example, parents, boyfriends, dietitians, etc.

Oh god issue an instruction manual now!

"What a tragedy!!" they say.

So the naxals killed 75 CRPF men yesterday in brutal fashion but with great planning, perfect strategy and total devotion from its members. The death of the jawans is in fact the least disturbing thing in this momentous episode.

My only question, that I need urgently addressed, is- What has driven ordinary villagers, including women and children to literally run down the hills with explosives and kill the very men employed for their safe-keep?

Answer- Injustice is hurtful. Hunger feeds anger and jealousy.

Why the f*** are we so idiotically bent upon behaving like our former colonizers!! This attack has occurred on a day when the posh Khan Market in Delhi is getting new, designer sidewalks made from expensive tiles while the naxal hit areas don't even have adequate roads.

Violence can have multiple faces. The daily oppression, inequality, insult that some parts of India suffer is brutal on their empty stomachs and their spirits. It's like how the landlord sits getting fanned, eating slowly...devouring his burfi while the peasant looks on, wishing for a crumb of plain bread.

For them 6th April, 2010 is a fabulous story of heroism, achievement, resolve and unity in revolt. For us its time to mourn the martyrs and strike back and curb.

There is no space for us and them in our nation. Don't be an american ******* and "smoke em' outta their holes". It's time to listen.

Nowhere..

Not here, not there, nor anywhere

Can I find you standing.

You move in circles of swindling patterns,

As I lose my path chasing.

Leaving enough hints for me to go on,

You feed my greedy curiosity.

I'm tired now, worn out and restless,

Rapidly losing my agility.

Sorry, your game doesn't amuse me any longer,

I think that I should be leaving.

Not here, not there, nor anywhere

will you find me now,

I hope you won't be grieving.

Too old to smile

Return to the sandbox.
Swing your fears away.
Don't see-saw the pros and cons.
Fly a kite.
Fly high.
Go find your smile in the sandbox.

is capitalism fair-er?

Ok, so maybe this should be a book.Thankfully, it's not going to be. Trust me there are a hundred already.But I happen to be in a very interesting discussion at the famous- round table in office, which deserves to be archived.
So, here goes....

The apartment complex, where my boss lives had set some standardized pay slabs for domestic help working in the complex as expatriate residents were paying the staff exorbitant salaries, causing the other poor souls and pockets to suffer.
All of us but my boss concurred that it was a fantastic idea. Absolutely fair we thought.we happily congratulated ourselves for being the champions of equality, communism, transparency, etc.

Then, as usual my boss erupted...telling us we were sick, dogmatic, oppressive and had a slave mentality(all at once- you can pick the curse you like best).
He took his maid's example and said that he could only pay her 4000 rupees, but if someone could pay her 7000 he had absolutely no right to stop her.It's a free world!

So he made me think of my own mindset towards the staff that has been around me for years. I thought of all of us- well educated, middle class indian people, living in the metros, people who have never swept their own rooms, too busy licking their boss' ass, too busy climbing the ladder to success stamping on the faces of the less fortunate. We like the poor. We like social work.It shows our sensitive side. We are socialist when it gets all of us electricity or ration. We are capitalist when we sit in our shops devising the best marketing strategy.

Now that the middle class is flourishing and are elevated to the position of glorified servants in swanky offices someone has still got to do the dog work right? But we are sensitive socialists now...we believe in fixed salaries( presuming no skill is required in manual work.My mom can explain in detail how no two maids are the same).

Have a soul. Chose one.Right now we have only chosen to be selfish.

intimacy- phobic

Too close for comfort, or not close enough to be comfortable? That is the question that plagues my mind every now and then. This thought manifests itself at the most weird moments. It could strike at any time....enjoying a conversation with a friend, just when you're about to do stuff(yes, this is going to be a shy blog) or missing someone. It pulls my brain in opposing directions, all at once. Sometimes its unfair to the people I love or who love me. But I remain a slave to my dilemma.

Learning...

One hears advice and inadvertently understands (logically justifies) most of them. But to really learn a lesson, you've got to live it. It needs to resonate with the rhythm of your life. Heard this one before , but understood it to be true for me in a rather peculiar way....

Ever been told "What you need and what you want may be two entirely different things. But most often you can't distinguish which is which."

The only way I could have and have understood the difference was by letting go of both the ideas, enjoying something I really hadn't thought I would and be accepting of the change in me. It feels liberating- not to judge myself by obnoxious, unachievable targets any longer. Didn't know I had it in me. Loving it!!

Neil Gaiman on Love Share

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-y

ou-apart pain. I hate love.”

sicko!

Damn! Its like the whole world is falling dead.After all the hard, painful parts I have become clinical.Constantly(how sad is that?) updating a list of the trees that fell, number of people effected,erosion caused, alternate vegetation, etc. I make me sick!!

You Can Get My Heart Racing

Too scared to leap?
But don't you bat an eyelid.

Take my chances. Sure I did.
When I read the manual sitting beside you.

Just knowing that we might,
had my heart racing.

Rehearsed the routine a million times in my head.
Stopping just short of going in for the kiss.

Can't plan my moves,
sitting on the fence any longer.

Don't need excuses.
No pleas of safety for a fragile heart.

I only want a boy,
willing to go bungee jumping with me.

The Happy Year is closing in....

Driving back home with gtanli last night i summarized the year for me in a rather peculiar way.She asked me how I was doing and I "fine!(then after a long pause) ..thank god i resolved to be happy THIS year.Otherwise I would have died."

Having a history of making everything dramatic, obsessing over failures and possibilities; this year should have killed me.But this year i had sworn to myself that I will not contemplate, mull over and over analyze things.I decided to have blind faith in the fact that there will be a way out, i just needed to keep walking .
Both pain and strength lie within you, but dark times prevent you from seeing the road out.

Witnessed prolonged, grave illness in the family,lost two very dear people in my life,my equation with my best friend changed forever.love was found and lost.began living in Delhi again.

My list of pros also begins with.....
began living in delhi again.we were all together as a family many times.learnt some great things of patience, love and duty. Learnt self control.Gave up something-anything for the first time.Went on a awesome trip, with an awesome person.Learnt that i will always love some people, anyway(bff).Made new friends and bonded better with old ones.Rediscovered and rejuvenated.Found a field of law I actually enjoyed.Inspired to start afresh....

It was like going from sakshi to sakko to saeko-paeko and coming back to me, finally in 2009.The journey has been fascinating and endearing.I want to thank all the people i met, loved , hated, became friends with,chilled with because they made me see what i was and what i could be.Esp- jai maharashtra!where the dumps were like gorges and the peaks went up straight to space.